Transformation
by Elf Cakes
Summary: A typical teenaged girl is in for one heck of a surprise when she turns into a member of one of the most loathed races of Middle-earth. Oh yes, and did I mention the Orc slash?
1. Cliched Beauty Finds Herself in Arda

**Transformation**

** Disclaimer:** Middle-earth is all Tolkien's, and I don't claim to own it.

**------8--**

It was a typical Saturday evening for Megania. She started her day off by opening up her word processor to write a little fan fiction about her favorite Elf, Legolas. Megania fancied herself a fantastic writer, and her latest story was going to be, what she thought, her best to date. Megania began to type.

"Princess Losieaurwen Evenstar, Arwen's sister, was a pretty elf with a beautiful singing voice. She had long, flowing red hair that reached her bottom and shone like the sun on steroids. Her swirling blue orbish eyes complimented this feature. Losieaurwen had tanned skin, because she liked to bathe nude in the river.

The Princess was not happy though. She was the most stunning creature on the face of the planet, but she was abused by her awful father Elrond and her stepmom Abigail. People ignore her all the time. They where so jealous of her! Her other problem was that she had an arranged marriage to an elf named Larry. Losieaurwen didn't want to marry Larry, because is in love with Prince Legolas. Legolas loves Losieaurwen too, but he is abused by King Thrandul.

That day, Prince Legolas and Lady Losieaurwen had sneaked off to make crazy love to one another. If they were caught, they would be killed. (AN: Legolas has an arranged marriage, too. That is why they will be killed if they are caught.) 'Dearest Leggy Pie,' Lady Losieaurwen breathed 'It is too risky! We will be killed!' 'No, lady. We are silent as a moonshadow in the forest in the summertime. And if we were to be caught, our souls could seek vengance. I would rather be killed in your lovely arms then to live this horrible life and bare the abuse of my dad and marry lady Okcshley' (An Okcshley is pronounced ASHLEY).

AN: OMG! First CHAPPY!!! What do u think? Its a cliffy!!!!11 Plz RR. No Flamez."

Megania posted her latest on without so much as a proofread. She was, after all, in a huge hurry to get to the mall.

The day went by as normally as most Saturdays did for Megania. While at the mall, she ogled at hotties (though none of them managed to be as stunning as Orlando Bloom with long blond hair and baby blue eyes) and bought a few things from Hollister. She managed to find the cutest Louis Vuitton knockoff on sale and the only trouble she had all day was in a dressing room at American Eagle when the pink frilly miniskirt she just had to try on was so small she couldn't get it off. The skirt was so small, in fact, that she just had to buy it, despite the fact that it was ridiculously overpriced.

The day was winding down now, and there weren't any big parties to attend that night, so she sat alone in her room, eating popcorn and watching _The Fellowship of the Ring._

Megania was a pretty typical teenaged girl. She liked to hang out with her friends, she hated school and she had a lot of normal hobbies, like collecting Orlando Bloom posters and going shopping. She was normal from her waist-length, raven black hair and her pale skin and green eyes to her Abercrombie and Fitch T-shirt. She was normal, that is, except for her freakishly pointed ears and abnormally tall height. And also, her angst.

Aside from her closest friends, people picked on her because of her pointy ears. This despite the fact that she left her long hair down, because it was more "Elvish". This despite the fact that most people don't really pay attention to others' ears. But work with me, I'm trying to make you feel sympathetic towards the character.

Megania had a deep, dark secret that no one knew about. She liked her biology teacher, Mr. Johnson. If anyone were to find out, they'd probably never speak to her again. Megania also had this sparkly blue pendant that she'd had since she was a baby. Her mother claimed to have bought it at one of those cheap, tweeny jewelry stores in the 80s. Megania knew her mother was lying about the whole thing, and she suspected that it would one day take her to her real home in another universe, where she would be the princess and marry some hot guy. Another problem Megania had was that her current boyfriend, Ryan, wasn't the most loyal. She loved him, but she was sick of him cheating on her. As much as she loved him, she knew deep in her heart that their relationship was doomed. Megania had a lot of angst because of all this. She deeply wished to reveal her secrets to someone, and she was tired of everyone lying to her about her identity.

Rather than develop the plot here like a good writer would, I, the author, will tell you more about Megania's striking appearance.

Megania was fairly athletic and had a slender body with a perfect figure. She had lean muscle from all of her archery lessons and ballet classes. She had long legs and people often told her that she could be a model. Not only was she tall, she was absolutely gorgeous!

Megania was pleased with her appearance, and she thought her features almost looked Elvish. I can't stress enough: she was tall, pale and --God forbid anyone forget-- had pointed ears. She assumed that she was part Elvish, much like the girls she always read and wrote about on the internet. After all, her past certainly was mysterious enough, and she was definitely full enough of lame, teen angst.

Megania fancied that she had an Elvish name, as well. Indeed, it was quite exotic compared to the names that legions of self-insertion authors who wrote Legolas smut had. I mean, what kind of Elf name is Idril? Or Elwing?

Megania reached for the bowl of popcorn and munched happily_. I love this part_, she thought. Megania stopped chewing to stare at Legolas as he bit into a piece of lembas. She grabbed another handful of popcorn and --here's the shocker-- disappeared.

There was a bright flash of light and for a moment, Megania blacked out. When she woke, she was in a forest. A big forest, with lots of trees.

Megania sighed happily. "I knew this would happen. It's my destiny! I'm in Middle-earth and now I can marry Legolas!"

As she looked about her, she pondered which direction Mirkwood was. She figured that no matter where she was, it wouldn't be THAT far away. _Middle-earth can't be _that_ big_, she reasoned.

The journey wound up being much more difficult than she could have imagined. She kept tripping on tree roots and climbing uphill was difficult. After several hours, she still hadn't come across Mirkwood. So Megania sat down on a log for a break. She thought that maybe if she rested and cleared her mind, she could tell which way to go next.

She hadn't been thinking for long when she heard a rumble in the distance. "What is that?" she asked to no one in particular.

Rising, she saw shadows not far off. The shadows came closer. "Orcs!"

Megania stood in horror, completely shocked and unable to move. What was she to do? She didn't even have her bow with her! She had planned to get one in Mirkwood, but time was pressing and she needed one now. Too bad she hadn't had her own bow with her while she watched the movie.

Before she had any time to react, she was standing next to a large troop of Uruk-hai and Orcs, starring at them, wondering how to kill them all with her Elven "skillz". One of the Uruks was shouting, "hey! What are you doing over there? Hey, you, get over here! You're not supposed to wander off!"

"Me?" Megania asked timidly.

"No, the Elf," the greasy, bald Uruk-hai replied. Sarcasm dripped from his voice as he spoke.

"But I _am_ an Elf. I fell into Middle-earth and now have completed my transformation into an Elf. And you are Evil. In the name of Elbereth, I command you to jump into a chasm and die!"

Orcs and Uruks alike laughed hysterically at Megania's display. Some were even on the ground, pounding their fists into the Earth, they were laughing so hard.

_So a single Elf isn't that threatening, I admit. But they don't have to be so rude. _Megania's inner monologue seemed to be working overtime that afternoon.

"You are so funny," one of the Orcs was gasping for breath in between laughter. "Wasn't that funny the way he pretended to be an Elf?"

"Pretend? But I am-" Megania paused and looked down at herself for the first time since she'd fallen into Arda. Her skin was dark and caked in mud, and her hair lay in greasy clumps. Black blood flowed from her finger as she felt her sharp, jagged Orc teeth. Worst of all, she realized that she was no longer a she, but a he.

"I'm... I'm an Orc," she (he) sputtered.

She (he) was indeed an Orc, or more specifically, an Uruk-hai. Megania had not realized that the same features that she had assumed were Elvish could also be very Orkish. The long black hair, pointed ears and height made Megania a very suitable Uruk.

Megania knew not what else to do, but follow the troop of Orcs and Uruks. At least they'd accept him better than the other races of Arda.

**-----8--**


	2. The Pitfalls of Orchood

Megania had been running for some time now, maybe an hour or so. Despite the fact that most people don't normally run fifteen minutes at a time, let alone an hour, he was not yet tired. Maybe it was the fact that (s)he was physically fit back on Earth. Or maybe it was his new Orkishness. Uruk-hai were _built_ to run.

"Hey, you, Elf-boy. What's your name?" asked one of the Uruks who had so rudely put an end to Megania's Elvish fantasies.

"Megania," he hissed.

"Meg-ahn-ya? What kind of manly Uruk name is that? Oh right, you're still on that Elf kick eh? All right then Me-Megania." It was clear that the Uruk-hai wasn't used to stringing so many vowels together in one sentence, let alone one word. He said the name "Megania" quite slowly and took special care to enunciate the foreign sounding word. "What's your _real_ name, then?"

"Megania". Megania was just now realizing how stupid his name really sounded. He racked his brain quickly for anything that sounded "Orcy" but only thing he could come up with under all that pressure was "Shagrat". There was no telling if this band actually knew Shagrat or not, so he used the backwards spelling for Shagrat, instead. "I mean, my name is Targash. What's your name?"

The Uruk eyed Targash suspiciously but he couldn't come up with a decent theory why Targash would have to lie about his name, so he put his suspicion aside and answered. "The name's Wazhur."

Just then, another Uruk began to speak to them. "That was a funny stunt you pulled back there, Targash. I hope you don't think you're going to get away with it. Shagrat is usually the joker, he might be angry that you stole his idea. You're lucky he ain't on his punishment phase anymore. I'm Ugrot, by the way."

_Shagrat? Punishment phase? Why the hell couldn't I think of something more original than "Shagrat" backwards as a name? I'm gonna get my ass kicked _is a sample of the many thoughts running through Targash's mind at that moment. Targash hoped Shagrat would forget his "funny stunt" by the time the troop stopped for the night.

There was no such luck. Targash had forgotten that the Uruks seldom stop when on a mission. He'd also forgotten that Uruks prefer to run at night. At least he wasn't tired.

Targash was getting hungry, however. _I wonder if there is any lembas in this stupid, sunny field. Wait- I don't like lembas anymore! Elvish food is for pussies. I want blood. And I want that fucking sunshine to go screw itself. We just have to be walking through a Valar-loved stupid little meadow. Those wild flowers are making me sick. I wouldn't even touch a flower if it meant I never had to see the sun again. I'm starving. I might touch one of those stupid retarded flowers for food, though. Bloody food. But I wouldn't touch a pink flower. Maybe just a purple one, but not a fucking pretty pink one._

"When do we eat?" Targash grunted.

"Tomorrow in the morning," yelled the leader, "and if you back there won't shut up, you won't eat until we kill those Mirkwood Elves off. You can eat Elf."

Several audible groans were heard. Some thought the prospect of eating Elves was amusing; maybe it tasted better than mortal flesh. The rest found the idea disturbing. Why would anyone want to touch a clean-washed, singing, laughing Elf… let alone _eat_ one?

Targash gathered from the talk around him that they were headed towards Mirkwood. The mission was to kill off as many Elves as possible, "'cause Sauron said so". For a fleeting second, Targash retreated to his old self, as a female on Earth, lusting after Legolas. That was him only several hours ago. Now his job was to kill all Elves, even Legolas, if that's what it came to.

"Oi! Elf-boy's getting' sentimental, is he? Does Elf-boy want some flowers and sunshine? You look very happy in that daydream of yours, and that's pathetic."

"N-no," Targash stammered.

"Good. If you want flowers and sunshine you can stay here, you soft little wanker."

"Who are you to call me a soft little wanker, you suck up? Just because you stay at the front doesn't mean I owe you anything!"

"I'm Shagrat, you miserable excuse for an Uruk. Call me a suck up again and you'll wish for the rest of your life that you _had_ sucked up. Show some respect and stop screwing around. We have a mission."

Ah, so it was the dreaded Shagrat. If it was at all possible, Shagrat smelled worse than any other Orc in the troop. Targash knew that if he didn't straighten up, Shagrat probably could kick his ass just from sheer experience.

That didn't stop Targash.

Targash lunged at Shagrat, giving a loud grunt when they hit the ground. "I'll give you miserable, if you want miserable," Shagrat shouted.

Shagrat unsheathed a black dagger and attempted to stab his opponent in the gut, but missed because Targash was already on his feet again. Targash jumped in the air, curled himself up and landed hard on Shagrat's torso.

Shagrat gasped and dropped the knife.

"That's enough! Get them apart!" the Orcs' leader shouted.

Several Uruks began to tear the two away from each other while the leader Uruk continued to shout, "you stupid rats thought you could get away with it, eh? You'll be punished for sure. Get those two away from each other!"

It seemed, however, that for every Orc or Uruk in the group that was attempting to separate Shagrat and Targash, there were two more _joining_ the fight.

The leader ignored his Orkish instinct, though he very much wanted to join in, and unsheathed his blade. "I am Lugrat! Hear me!"

Just then, Lugrat thrust the sword into the back of the nearest Orc, who just so happened to be Wazhur.

**-------8--  
**


	3. Competition: Evil

Targash sat sulking on a large, grey boulder in the middle of the meadow. It was sunset. The last sunset Targash remembered was a sunset back on Earth. He distinctly recalled thinking about how nice it would be to share that sunset with Legolas, but no more. Now the sunset meant it would be dark soon, and his eyes would finally have relief from the sun. He also realized to his delight that it was more difficult to see the bright, cheerful colors of the flowers that seemed to drown the entire meadow.

The bad news was that he and Shagrat were awaiting their punishment.

Shagrat sat scowling on a separate boulder not far from Targash's boulder. "How come you get the darker, more jagged looking rock to sit on?"

Targash just shrugged in reply.

"You suck!"

Targash let a fierce sounding roar escape his black throat.

"Settle down, you weasels! We don't need another fight. Do you want my sword in your back like dear old Wazhur? You were a friend of Wazhur, weren't you, Targash? Uruks don't have friends." Lugrat grunted, perhaps to emphasize his point.

Targash felt embarrassed, he knew he had a lot to learn about being Orkish.

The rest of the Uruks had separated in search of food. They had stopped somewhat earlier than planned, but after the brawl, Lugrat figured moral would go straight to the Dark Void and there would be even more fights for him to deal with. Shagrat and Targash were forced into waiting for the others on their separate rocks. "No food for the slackers," as Lugrat put it. "Unless you want to eat the flowers."

Shagrat became somewhat angry at the suggestion. "Are you implying that I'm not fit for Orc food? Are you suggesting that I, Shagrat, should eat Elf food? You're a sick bastard, Lugrat."

"Being a sick bastard is my job."

With that, Lugrat stalked away to talk with another Uruk, who had apparently brought Lugrat food because Lugrat was busy watching "the scum".

"I'll never eat flowers," Shagrat said defiantly. "I would starve before I ate one of those Elf… growy things."

"I'll eat a blue one if you eat a yellow one," Targash said daringly. He was an Uruk, and no mistake, but he still had a crazy streak, and he felt that he had to live up to his reputation as the new group clown.

"I'm not eating one of those things!"

"Come on, just one. It will be fun. And it will be painful."

Shagrat's eyes lit up at the prospect of pain. "Painful?"

"_Very _painful."

"I want to eat the most painful flower in the field. I'll show Lugrat who's really worthy of being the Evil leader. Do you think that yellow flowers are really painful? Wouldn't purple be better-suited for self-mutilation?"

"Possibly. But I think that the fell beast of all flowers would be pink."

Shagrat let out a horrified gasp. "P-pink? No way. I'm not touching one of those."

"I'll eat one," Targash said proudly.

"You can't eat one! No! I'm the most evil. You can't eat a pink flower without me!"

"But you just said you wouldn't touch one. So now I can beat you out for most evil and masochistic. I will be King of all Orcs."

"If you eat one, I'll be forced to eat one as well. I will not stand for you being better than I am." Shagrat grunted and beat his chest to show his strength.

"Alright then. Let's lay down the rules. We both will find a pink flower, then eat it. Whoever completes the task first is most evil."

"Prepare to be defeated, Targash!"

Luckily, the flowers grew in abundance near the rocks, so neither had any trouble finding a flower to eat, even without leaving their rocks. "This one is big. It's more evil than your flower," Shagrat said to Targash.

"Yeah, well this flowers the same size as that one. And I will eat a second flower at the same time, making me more evil."

"Yeah, well I'll eat three large pink flowers at the same time, and a purple one. So don't fuck around with me. You want evil, you got evil."

After some debate, the two Uruks finally decided that they would each three large sized pink flowers as well as a smaller sized pink flower and a smaller sized purple flower, all at once. Whoever finished first was winner. If that failed, who ever didn't die of "flower poisoning" first was winner.

"Alright- on the count of three," Shagrat said. "One… two… two and a half… two and three quarters, two and five eighths-"

"Just get on with it, Shagrat! Are you scared or somethin'? Of the cutsie little Elf foodsies?"

Shagrat hissed. "Fine. THREE!"

Shagrat and Targash began to gobble the flowers up as quickly as possible. The look on Shagrat's face clearly said, "flowers suck! Evil isn't worth this. Masochism is overrated."

Targash chewed a few times before his optimism wore off and he adopted a similar look.

"This is nasty," Shagrat commented through a mouthful of flowers. He was chewing slowly now, suppressing the urge to gag. He still wanted to be the most evil.

"How do Elves eat these? They're obviously poisonous," Targash replied. He, too, was struggling to keep the "food" in his mouth.

Finally, Shagrat managed to swallow his flowers. He gulped, then the look on his face cleared to that of relief. His mouth was rid of that awful morsel.

Targash was still chewing.

"I am the King of Evil!" Shagrat declared. "Evil shall I be!"

"What are you two making a fuss over, eh? Flowers? You two actually resorted to eating flowers? I hope you learned your lesson, then. Maybe next time you'll stay out of a fight and get normal Orc food," Lugrat lectured. He was using the high and mighty tone he so often used to differentiate between himself and the other Uruks.

"Don't talk to me like that, Lugrat," Shagrat commanded. "_I_ am the King of Evil now. I just ate four pink flowers and a purple one at the same time. Tell me, _You're Highness_, would Sauron ever eat nasty, evil food like that? Would you? No. _I _am the King of Evil. I am on my way to Evil greatness."

"Shut up, scum. Sauron _can't _eat, are you stupid or something? He's an Eye, not a mouth. Evil greatness, my ass. You two are on you're way to becoming Elvish, if anything. That ain't right. I knew I shouldn't have left you two here alone."

"What about the Mouth of Sauron?" Targash chimed in after finally managing to swallow. "_He_ couldn't eat flowers."

"No, because he ain't an Elf pussy like you rats."

"I'm no Elf," Targash retorted.

"Oh, well that's news, Elf-boy. Shut up. Get going, we've got to get to Mirkwood. Maybe you scummies can meet up with your Elven relatives there. Get going! Now!"

And so, the troop moved on. Targash and Shagrat spent the duration of the journey through the meadow picking and eating flowers to prove their Evilness.

No one was convinced.


	4. Targash Crowned King of Hysterical Elf I...

**Disclaimer: **It all belongs to Tolkien, except for _Beautiful. Beautiful_ is Christina Aguilera's.

**CAUTION! This chapter contains pop music. **Just as the scariest and worst fan fictions on the planet contain lyrics from pop songs, so will the parodies of them. You have been sufficiently warned.

**-------8--**

"Shagrat? I have a stomachache," Targash complained.

Shagrat rolled over and groaned. "Well if you hadn't suggested eating those fucking flowers, we might not be in so much bloody pain right now!"

"Pain was the point," Targash said dryly.

Evidently, flower poison had a somewhat lasting effect. The sun had since risen and sunk back into the west from the time they had eaten the flowers, but the two Uruks were still in a grand amount of pain.

"Remind me never to do that again," Shagrat grunted. It turned out that one had to pay a mighty price to be Evil.

Shagrat and Targash were resting on the edge of a dark and sinister looking forest. They had finally stopped, much to the relief of the Orcs, to wait for the pair of scouts Lugrat had sent into the forest. Until the scouts came back with word on the safety of the forest, they were camped on the edge of it. Safety was not something that generally concerned the Orcs, but because their mission depended on them getting deep within the forest to the heart of the Elven realm within it, they had to make sure that they wouldn't be shot full of Elf arrows before they got there.

"Where are we?" Targash asked. Surely it wasn't-

"The edge of Mirkwood," Shagrat finished the thought. "Where did you think we were?"

"I dunno."

"I guess it _is_ a bit dodgy for an Elf kingdom."

"_This_ is Mirkwood?" Targash had always thought that Mirkwood was a pretty forest, full of green trees and flowers and baby deer and rabbits. How deadly could a forest be? But this forest was dark; even the southern edge of it seemed to be black. Mirkwood looked cramped and choked full of what seemed to be black vines and moss. _At least I don't have to brave the flowers and baby bunnies_, Targash thought, somewhat relieved.

"This is Mirkwood."

"Weird."

The evening was passing slowly. There wasn't a whole lot to do, and there wasn't anything to eat besides grass. Spending an evening next to a creepy forest with nothing to do except wait for the scouts to return was not a pleasant way to spend the evening. Targash was beginning to realize that most of life itself was unpleasant for the Orcs.

The only thing Targash could come up with to do right then was talk. Talking was something that Targash's old human fan-girl side excelled at. Right then, he craved a good gossip session. Not a quick learner, but a learner nonetheless, he decided that since Uruks ideally don't have friends, he probably shouldn't spend that night chatting and gossiping with the others.

Despite these new, unfriendly customs, Targash felt that Shagrat was a good companion, and he enjoyed hanging around and being the company clowns together. Ugrot, too, was getting closer. Though he hadn't known either longer than three days, he knew from the times that Ugrot would run with them that Ugrot wasn't too shabby an Uruk. Ugrot's sense of humor was slightly less, and he wasn't as smelly as either Targash or Shagrat, but his blunt sarcasm was enjoyable.

Orcs were sleeping all around him, and Targash could hear snoring loud enough to wake the dead. Targash couldn't sleep. He was having doubts and second thoughts about many things. His destiny was to be an Uruk-hai, not an Elf has he had thought for so many years. Would he ever be a good enough Uruk? Could he really raid the homes of the Elves he once loved? What of Legolas? A side of him wanted to hurt Legolas, that was his job and his destiny, but the other side of him still wanted to cuddle up with him and kiss his perfect pink lips. What kind of Orc wants to kiss an Elf? Only a sick, misguided Orc. But aren't all Orcs sick and misguided?

The blackness consumed him. He didn't know what to do, and he couldn't sleep, so he finally decided to do something that always comforted him on Earth. In a soft (read: harsh) and slow (read: just plain terrible) voice, he began to sing:

_Every day is so wonderful  
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe  
Now and then, I get insecure  
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed_

A tear rolled down his reddish, mud stained cheek has he continued, now a little louder and stronger, which only sounded worse and uglier to the ears around him. Already his angst was melting away.

_I am beautiful no matter what they say  
Words can't bring me down  
I am beautiful in every single way  
Yes, words can't bring me down  
So don't you bring me down today_

He really felt it, now. Words and thoughts would not bring him down!

_To all your friends, you're delirious  
So consumed in all your doom  
Trying hard to fill the emptiness  
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone  
That's the way it is_

_You are beautiful no matter what they say  
Words won't bring you down  
You are beautiful in every single way  
Yes, words won't bring you down  
Don't you bring me down today..._

When he stopped singing, Targash heard not the silence he had expected, but groans all around him. "Please, stop singing," one Orc was begging.

Targash noticed arrows in his lap and hair and all around the rock where he sat, gazing at the moon. Apparently, the tired Orcs were too lazy to actually shoot the arrows, so instead they just threw them in hopes that Targash would quit. Shagrat was howling with laughter on the floor, and Ugrot stared with a combination of amazement and horror in his red eyes.

"You are the master," Shagrat yelled, still laughing. "You do the best and most hysterical Elf impression I have ever seen. No one in Mordor gets it even half as good. You, Targash, may not be the King of Evil, but you are the King of Hysterical Elf Impressions."

Ugrot seemed to be speechless. "You're still on that Elf kick, then?" Ugrot chuckled nervously. "I um… I have to go," he added lamely. Ugrot got up and ran to a small grove of trees nearby, but no one seemed to know why. Then again, none of the Orcs really seemed to care.


	5. Ugrot Has a Crush

**Disclaimer:** Everything from Middle-earth belongs to Tolkien. _Born to Make You Happy_ is Britney Spears's.

**Special Warning:** This is the part of the story where I start to develop a slash pairing. If you aren't comfortable with slash or Orc love, now's the time for you to leave. Besides, wouldn't you rather be reading a Legomance?

**------8--**

Because none of the Orcs really cared why Ugrot had left so suddenly, most of them fell right back asleep. Targash, now over the angst and quite sleepy, also went to sleep. The night was absolutely silent besides the obviously loud sleeping Orc noises. Well, that and the creepy noises coming from the grove that Ugrot was in.

Once Ugrot had fully hidden himself amongst the trees, he sat on a rock and buried his head in his hands. "Finally, I get some time away from the others. Now I can think, but now I don't want to think. It's too painful," Ugrot muttered.

Ugrot shifted on his rock. He felt the urge to cry, but couldn't manage it, as big tough Uruk-hai typically don't cry. He didn't have an excuse to cry like Targash did. Targash was different in Ugrot's mind. Targash was a joker and enjoyed poking fun at the weepy, wimpy Elves. Targash was confident and comfortable in his own skin… confident enough to be himself no matter what. Targash was also the source of Ugrot's confusion.

"Targash", Ugrot murmured the name softly, or rather, as softly as his Orkish vocal cords would allow. The name rung in his mind over and over, haunting him, adding to his angst. _If only Targash knew how I feel!_

Ugrot lifted his head from its resting place on his hands and stared into the murky, repulsive trees. He thought openly for a while, if what he wanted could really happen. But he knew better. No one loves an Orc. Not even another Orc.

He couldn't cry, but he could sing, and he knew just the song. It was an ugly, Orkish sounding song that Targash had taught him, and Ugrot really felt the lyrics fit his situation.

_I don't know how to live without your love _

_I was born to make you happy _

_'Cause you're the only one within my heart _

_I was born to make you happy _

_Always and forever you and me _

_That's the way our life should be _

_I don't know how to live without your love _

_I was born to make you happy_

Ugrot was really born to make his special someone happy, and he knew it- that was the way his life should be. If only...

_I know I've been a fool since you've been gone _

_I'd rather give it up then carry on (oh my love)_

_'Cause livin' in a dream of you and me _

_Is not the way my life should be _

_I don't wanna cry a tear for you _

_So forgive me if I do _

_If only you were here tonight _

_I know that we could make it right_

_I don't know how to live without your love _

_I was born to make you happy _

_'Cause you're the only one within my heart _

_I was born to make you happy _

_Always and forever you and me _

_That's the way our life should be _

_I don't know how to live without your love _

_I was born to make you happy_

It was then that Ugrot understood why Targash liked to sing so much. It really was therapeutic, and he took that as a sign that maybe not all hope was lost. Maybe Targash had wanted him to discover it on his own, so that when he most needed Targash's help but Targash wasn't around, he would still be there for him.

Ugrot buried his head in his hands again. _What would a great Uruk-hai like Targash ever see in me? I am just a lousy slave to Sauron, nothing more. What do I have to offer him? No, sadly, I must be mistaken._

-----8--

During the night, Targash was plagued with what could only be described as disturbing, Uruk-hai dreams. Though it made sense for an Uruk to have disturbing dreams, he had never realized before that Orcs had such ugly, perverted nightmares. On second thought, he discovered he didn't mind the brutal nightmares; he even kind of liked them.

He woke up suddenly; the others were still sleeping. He could still hear the sinister noises coming from the grove where Ugrot had gone to, and suddenly wondered what was wrong with the enormous Uruk.

Targash stood up slowly, unsure of what to do. _Maybe I should go into the grove and find out what's going on._

Targash's body agreed with the thought, and automatically started carrying him in the direction of the grove. As Targash stalked, he again wondered why Urgot hadn't returned. When Ugrot left, Targash presumed that Ugrot had simply gone to answer nature's call. In retrospect, it seemed odd that he would go away to do that when normally Orcs just went when and where they were. Maybe it was his old, modest way of thinking, leftover from before he was an Uruk.

When Targash reached the grove, he noticed that the creepy noise had disappeared. _Maybe it was my imagination,_ he pondered.

Targash pushed his way through the dark vines, trying to discern where Ugrot had gone. It was very dense for a grove, although it seemed nothing compared to the actual forest of Mirkwood. He hacked at the vines with his blade until he saw a big rock with an Orc sitting on top.

"Ugrot?"

"Oh, hi," he looked up. "Um- what are you doing here? I-I mean- why did you come here? No, I mean..."

"I was wondering if you were alright." Targash hesitated, trying to think of something more Orkish to say. "I was wondering if you hadn't been killed by those stupid Elves yet."

Ugrot's heart sank. _So I was right, he doesn't care._

"What are you doing out here?"

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"It's none of your business! Just leave me _alone_! Get away from me, you stupid _Elf maiden_!"

Targash looked offended. "Sorry... I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. You seem upset."

"Well if I am, it's your fault. Just leave me alone. I can't talk to you right now."

Ugrot got up and clunked out of the grove the same way in which he came.

"Ugrot, wait!" Targash followed, now wondering what he had done wrong._ So this is how my boyfriend felt when I wouldn't communicate with him back on Earth_, he thought. _But Ugrot isn't my boyfriend! I just want to know why he came here!_

-----8—

"Where were you, Ugrot?" Shagrat inquired.

"Nowhere," he answered.

"No, really, where were you?"

"NOWHERE. Leave me the hell alone!"

"Touchy, are we Ugrot? I've never heard you use those lame curse words Targash says. You must be really mad. Maybe you _like_ him!"

"I do not! Go jab yourself with that stupid stick of yours."

Needless to say, Shagrat was nearer the mark than Ugrot would admit, which only made Ugrot more irritable.

"Jab myself with my stupid stick? Where?"

"In your heart. Go die a painful death, you stupid Moria Goblin."

"Moria Goblin, eh? I ain't one of those wimps. You can give it but you can't take it. You're a rat, Ugrot. Targash will never like you if you don't be a man about it."

"I don't care! I don't want Targash to like me!"

"Sure you do," Shagrat taunted. He had found Ugrot's weak spot and he planned to have a bit of fun with it.

"Shut up!"

"So you _do_ want Targash? I'll have to tell him. But he'll never want you back."

"What's going on?" Targash broke in.

"Nothing," Shagrat answered, "Ugrot just fancies you a bit, that's all."

"No I don't! I mean... you should shut up, Shagrat, before I kick you."

"Where were you, Targash?" Shagrat asked.

"In the grove. I followed Ugrot there because he was gone for a long time. Why were you there, Ugrot?"

"Would you two stop hounding me about it!? I don't want to tell you!"

"It's because you like Targash, isn't it."

"No, It's not!"

Just then, the two scouts returned, miraculously unscathed.

"What news?" Lugrat boomed, obviously trying to be heard over the various Orc arguments that had been spawned that morning.

"We found a passage," the Uruk on the left said. "Elves won't use it, it leads deep into the forest."

"We leave now!" Lugrat shouted.

And so the troop was off again.  
**  
------8--**


	6. Of Spiders and Hormones

The company ran hastily through the tunnel. The "tunnel" was a lot less of a tunnel than it was a black passage through the densely packed trees and vines. As far as Targash could tell, the passage was lined with webs.

"Shagrat? Are th-those spider webs?"

"I think so, why?"

"N-no reason," Targash stuttered.

Targash and Shagrat were running in the back. Ugrot seemed keen on staying as far away from Targash and Shagrat as possible, so Ugrot was towards the front.

"What's wrong with Ugrot? Do you know? It's like 'e's scared of us or somethin'."

"I dunno. He got mad at me when I asked him what was wrong. Not that we should care. We are Orcs, after all."

"I don't care," Shagrat said. "He's just being weird, and I'm not sure I want to wake up someday to him gone mad, about to go on a killin' spree or somethin' worse, like singing."

Targash heartily agreed. "Are you sure that those are spider webs? I mean, are you really sure they could even _be_ spider webs? I didn't think Mirkwood had them."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that they're spider webs. I wouldn't have thought they'd be this common, either, considering that the goody-two-shoes Elves live around here. It's like they're _trying_ to attract Orcs or somethin'."

"No kidding."

Meanwhile, up front, Ugrot was speaking to another Orc named Gollakh. "This trip is worse than when we went to Ithilien."

"You mean the time when the Mouth of Sauron told us there would be all you can drink mead, but the guys from Gondor attacked us first and killed half our troop?"

"Yeah."

"I still want to jab the Mouth. He thinks he is so great and powerful. Stupid twat. But in any case, I don't think this trip is worse."

"That's because you are Second in Command this time around."

Gollakh shrugged. "It's not that great. Lugrat is still in charge."

"Good point."

"So why aren't you running with Shagrat and Targash?"

"I'm an Uruk. I have no loyalty."

"Makes sense."

The journey was becoming more dull and dark by the hour. There was nothing to talk about, nothing interesting to look at, just tree after tree after tree. When night fell, the forest was so dark that they could no longer see where they were going, and they were forced to stop.

In a less than wise move, Lugrat commanded a fire to be lit. Almost immediately, swarms of dark grey moths were circling the camp. It got to a point where the fire was actually quite dim because of all the moths flapping around it.

Targash sat huddled close to a tree, as far away from the moths as possible, without being so far from the little light that he couldn't see. Out of boredom, he watched Ugrot for a while. Ugrot still seemed sulky and upset.

Targash sighed. _I wish I had someone to hold me. This creepy forest is really scaring me, and it would be nice to have someone just comfort me. I'll never be loved now that I'm an ugly, stupid Uruk-hai. I'm so close to my dream of having Legolas, but so far away. If the slash stories I've read are even close to true, maybe he wouldn't mind that I'm a boy-er- man now. That solves one problem, but nothing I can do can turn me into a lovely Elf again. Maybe he can learn to love me, anyway…_

As though Shagrat had read Targash's thoughts, Shagrat sat down beside Targash. "You've been acting really odd since Ugrot went berserk on you yesterday. I'm not sure if it's nature getting on your nerves or if it's Ugrot, but you've gotta get ahold of yourself, mate."

Targash turned to face Shagrat. "What's it to you?"

"I don't know. I've never really had friends before, but you accepted me and I think I should maybe help you if I can."

Targash pondered the comment for a minute. This Orc was acting incredibly out of character, and Targash wasn't sure if maybe Shagrat would use his deepest confessions as fuel for jokes.

"Don't be shy, Targash. Just say it."

"Well... I feel out of place."

"Why?"

"I don't belong here," Targash confessed.

"Yes you do! You're the first Uruk in history that not everyone wants to kill."

"Exactly, Shagrat. If I did fit in, everyone would want to kill me. I don't belong here! It's all an act. I was transported from another world. I was a human there... I thought I was an Elf, but I was turned into an Uruk when I was transported. I was a female freaking human a week ago. Now I'm a male Uruk. My family is worried about me, my boyfriend is worried about me and I haven't been laid in a week. I just wanna go home and take a bath!

"I see," Shagrat said, trying to re-gather his wits. "Well, I don't know how to get you back to your old world, but being Orkish ain't so bad. If it makes you feel better, I'm sure Ugrot wouldn't have a problem fixing the bit about being laid."

"You know what 'laid' means?"

"I have no idea. But I'm sure whatever it is, Ugrot would be happy to oblige."

"Oh."

"I need to get back to the fire before the food is all gone. Are you coming?"

"No, I'm going to stay here and think."

"Suit yourself."

So Targash stayed and thought. _Does Ugrot really have feelings for me? I don't know if I should act on them. I mean, what if I meet Legolas and we fall in love? I always thought that loving Legolas was my destiny. I need to stay true to myself._

Targash let out another heavy sigh. He was still confused, but for the most part, he felt certain of what to do. He could no longer let his angst get in the way of his dreams. Targash looked up at the sky, which was really just a canopy of blackish leaves, to pray for strength when he saw something move.

"Shagrat? Was that you?"

The branch above Targash squeaked, it obviously held a lot of weight. In the dim firelight, he could see a black spider crawling down the tree. Not just any black spider, but a spider as big as he was.

"Arrrgh!!" Targash bellowed. "SPIDER!!"

Pandemonium followed. Even for evil Orcs, giant, evil spiders were a problem. The Uruks quickly grabbed their things, lit a couple torches, and ran. Several spiders now followed the original spider.

Ugrot was one of the torch-bearers, but unfortunately, he was a terrible navigator. Eventually, Ugrot stumbled on a branch and fell, dropping his torch. Targash tripped over Ugrot. "What are you doing here?"

"Following the leader."

"Oh."

Ugrot picked the torch up again and looked around. Fortunately, the ground was good and soggy, and nothing but a couple of leaves caught fire. Except for Targash, Ugrot was alone. The moths were suddenly scarce, and there seemed to be no spiders. "Where did everyone go?"

"I don't know," Targash grunted.

"Maybe we can find them again if we come back the way we came."

"Maybe. I guess we could try, even though your ideas usually fail."

"They do not!"

"Heh. Let's go."

Targash followed Ugrot, though this time, they went slowly so they didn't miss anything. Several minutes passed with no signs of spiders or other Orcs. The moths within minutes the moths had returned, which made the light harder to see.

Ugrot paused for a moment to take a look around. "Shit. I don't know where we are."

"That's my word!" Targash argued.

"Well it fits. Get over it."

Ugrot sat down on the ground. "What are you doing, Ugrot?"

"Thinking. Don't ask this time."

A few minutes later, Targash finally came up with the nerve to say what he knew he needed to say. "Ugrot?"

"What?"

"Well… Shagrat says that you like me… and um- I wondered if it was true?"

"What are you? Soft? Stupid Orc. You don't know anything. Neither does Shagrat."

"So it's not true?"

"NO-well… maybe. No. NO."

"I was just going to say that i-if you did, it would be OK with me… because I kind of like you, too."

"Too? Are you mad? I said I didn't like you, so you can't like me 'too'."

"Oh. Sorry. I just thought-"

"You thought wrong. Get over it, that's life."

Targash sat down a few feet from Ugrot and buried his face in his hands.

"What's your problem?" Ugrot demanded.

"Nothing. And everything, but you don't care so never mind. Let's just try to find the others."

"Fine."

So Ugrot and Targash stood, and walked side by side in silence, looking for their group.


	7. More Lessons of Mirkwood and Sensitive U...

Minutes, then hours had passed since Targash and Ugrot had lost the rest of the group. They had not spoken since they began to walk, using only grunts to show feelings of displeasure or direct each other through new passages.

Finally, Targash broke the lengthy silence. "Where the fuck did everybody go?"

"Away from you." Ugrot answered sarcastically.

"Well, it was your poor leadership that got us in this mess, Ugrot. You're not making things any easier with your attitude."

"_Nooo_, you think? Well, it was _your _poor judgment that had you follow me. Everyone knows I'm terrible with directions."

"So why have I been following you the last few hours?"

"Because you're too stupid to care."

It was that moment when Targash's inner female had a breakdown. Targash fell to the ground and began to weep. He wailed loudly, "Nothing I do or say is good enough! I just wanted to place my trust in you because I care, and all you do is mock me!"

Ugrot froze uncomfortably, unsure of his next move. It was true that Ugrot had feelings for Targash, but they made him uncomfortable and awkward. He had never been in a situation like this before, and didn't know if Targash wanted to be left alone or comforted. Because Ugrot was an Orc trained in the ways of a warrior, and not so much in the ways of a stately Prince Charming, he wasn't even sure he knew how to comfort Targash.

"Um... what do you want me to do?"

"I WANT YOU TO LISTEN! You just don't care! You're so arrogant. I poured my heart out to you, but you stomped on it. Hear me? STOMPED on it!"

"I- I uh... uh, I... umm… I... I'm sorry?"

"I don't think you mean it!"

"I do care... but I'm an Orc! And if people found out that I cared, my life would be a living hell!"

Turns out, that was not the wisest statement Ugrot could have made.

"What's wrong with you? You're an Uruk-hai. Of course your life is a living hell! Are you ashamed of me? Is that it? You're ashamed of me? You don't want anyone to know you like stupid, old Targash. I bet you'd brag about liking someone like Shagrat, but not me. Not the stupid wimpy Orc."

Ugrot was in shock. He had never known anyone to be so irrational in any state of mind. This was like nothing he had ever seen before. Ugrot stood perfectly still, staring wide-eyed at Targash.

Targash looked up. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I just lost my mind or something. I just feel emotional and different. I didn't mean to take it out on you, but you hurt my feelings!"

Ugrot sat down beside Targash. "What do you mean, different?"

"It's none of your business! You'd just laugh. No one cares!" Targash jumped up and ran towards the nearest passage, but promptly ran right into Lugrat.

"Now I know I've seen it all," Lugrat snarled. "Targash was crying?"

For some reason, Ugrot felt the need to stand up for Targash in the face of  
humiliation."It takes a big Orc to cry, you know," he said, sagely.

"It takes a big Orc to cry, but an even bigger Orc to laugh at that Orc."

All members of the troop were snickering, except for Targash and Ugrot. "I knew you two would get into some kind of idiotic situation," Lugrat commented. "I guess I should be thankful that there were no pink flowers involved this time."

Ugrot stared in bewilderment at Lugrat, and Targash stared in bewilderment at Ugrot. Had Lugrat really just insulted Ugrot's love interest? Had Ugrot really stood up for Targash? Things certainly appeared that way.

Lugrat let out a snerking kind of noise and suggested that maybe next time, Targash and Ugrot could find a nice little bed and breakfast place to spend the night. He then let out a cry and demanded that everyone move out.

"Nice going, fucktards," Shagrat remarked as they filed out of the trees and back onto the trail. The forest was still very dark, even though it was daytime. It was probably sunny above the forest's canopy, but if it was, it wasn't changing the scenery within the forest in any way at all. It was hard to see further than a few feet away and Ugrot was feeling blinded by a combination of the darkness and his current state of mind. Targash was feeling similarly, though slightly more nervous out of his natural fear of spiders with the occasional spider web making its appearance on or beside the dark trail.

That day, the Orcs had many a chance to think things over. Shagrat contemplated using different torture devices on the Elves while various other Orcs had thoughts of better tasting food and a lot less running. Still others thought of the day's earlier "event", glad they had not massacred  
their own masculinity in such a way. Ugrot questioned his feelings for Targash, and Targash questioned his feelings for Ugrot. Was it love, lust or just a creepy coincidence? Ultimately, both Ugrot and Targash had made up their minds that avoiding each other as much as possible was the best plan of action.

The Uruk-hai ran this way for three days, with only quick stops at random intervals. "Surely we must be getting somewhere near the castle by now," Targash said to Shagrat.

"What castle? The Elves live underground in caves."

"They don't have a castle?"

"No."

"But this is Mirkwood! Where do King Thranduil and Prince Legolas live if they don't have a castle?"

"In caves."

"Oh," the Uruk replied in a tone that clearly conveyed his disappointment.

Targash felt another wave of shock course through his body. It seemed utterly bizarre to him that Elven royalty would live in dark caves in the horrid forest of Mirkwood. _I should have read the books_, he thought to himself.

"Can I ask you something, Targash?"

"I guess."

"What happened between you and Ugrot when you got lost? I mean, for fuck's sake, you were  
crying!"

Several Uruks laughed at this statement, and Targash hung his head in shame as he ran.

"I tried to tell him how I feel about him, but he wouldn't listen! He said it was stupid and he didn't have any feelings for me. We walked around for a few hours trying to find everyone again and neither of us said anything until we got to where Lugrat found us. We got in an argument, and I got really upset with Ugrot for not caring and not listening. I started crying... and you saw the rest."

"Well, Ugrot stood up for you. And he did say he cared, even if he wouldn't admit it to anyone else."

"He doesn't care. He just wanted to make me feel better."

"I think you just made him uncomfortable. He's never been in a situation like that before. He kind of ran away from you like that, too, the other night. He probably understands you better than you think. Besides, why would he bother trying to make you feel better if he didn't care?"

_Is it just me, or is Shagrat really being sensitive? I didn't think any Orc had it in him. Shagrat's not bad, I guess_, Targash thought.

Sometime during the third day or night, the Uruk-hai stopped. No one was really sure anymore of the exact time of day. They did not light a fire, just the torches. The Orcs gathered around Lugrat who spoke, "Tomorrow, we attack. My scouts have revealed to me that the cave lies unguarded towards the West, so we must go through that way. Others will stay above and kill  
those who try to escape. Ugrot, Wazkur, Globrarz, Gromlok, Zagburz, Shagrat, Kurlakh and Nazlukh will stay above. The rest will come with me into the caves. We will rest tonight."


	8. Musings and Revelations

A year after my last update, I've finally posted chapter eight. Heh. My apologies.

I have edited and revised chapters one through seven. The few little mistakes that were never edited out the first time around have now been cleaned up, so enjoy. Keep in mind that this is by all means still a work in progress. Further revisions will probably take place as I write more.

Big thanks to everyone who has emailed me or reviewed within the last few  
months, it was very encouraging and helped me get back on track. Thanks to  
my biggest fans, Meethrill and JaguarKitty2006 for hounding me until I  
finally sat back down and started writing. Special thanks to JaguarKitty2006  
for going through and helping me edit both the old and new.

-8-

_Great, _thought Targash. _I get to go in a dark stinky cave to kill Elves. And __  
__I have to go without Shagrat and Ugrot. Oh well, it's not like Ugrot _  
_wants anything to do with me anyway._

"Ugrot's gonna miss Shagrat, ain't he!" Gromlok taunted.

"Ooooh, is Ugrot gonna cry, too? It's so sad you have to weev your wittle wuver   
behind" another orc teased.

Ever since the pack had seen Targash cry and Ugrot stand up for Targash  
behavior, they'd both been the butt of many jokes. That kind of behavior was  
so foreign to the Uruks that they couldn't comprehend it in the slightest.  
What Uruks can't comprehend, they tear down.

Targash didn't really mind the teasing. It was more or less like what he had  
experienced when he was still a female going through puberty in junior high  
school. Ugrot, on the other hand, was slightly less used to being teased in  
such an immature manner. Actually, Ugrot really wasn't used to being made  
fun of at all. After all, it's generally not a good idea to make fun of a  
huge, strapping Uruk-hai. Ugrot was almost willing to sit and take the  
abuse, because in his dark heart he knew he felt something for Targash.  
Almost, but not quite.

When the mockery finally got to Ugrot, and finally made him snap, he  
promptly pounced on the nearest offender. This offender so happened to be a  
particularly large Uruk-hai named Wazkur. Wazkur had patchy brown hair and  
what seemed to be a perpetual infection all over his face- a pink and brown  
rash- an odd, itchy, oozy case of Orc acne.

"What, did I hurt your wittle feewings?" Wazkur laughed.

"You know, you used to be such a butch Uruk. You were one of the best of the   
best. No feelings, just a cold, hard, killing machine. Now look at you!  
You've gone soft. You can't even hold yourself together. I remember when you  
used to kill for less than what I just did. Now all you do is shove us  
around a little. I don't believe you! You're useless now. Are you even going  
to kill Elves when we get the chance? Or are you going to stand around and  
look confused? That seems to be your specialty these days. You need to get  
your priorities straight."

Ugrot didn't reply. He stepped back and lowered his head.

Targash watched the whole scenario play out in front of him. He knew it was  
his fault Ugrot had fallen from some kind of Orkish glory. He knew it wasn't  
right to take that away from Ugrot.

As badly as Targash felt about the whole situation, he didn't have any idea  
of how to solve the problem. He was still rather new to Uruk culture, after  
all. The other problem was that Targash simply didn't fit in with the Orcs.  
He fit in well enough with Ugrot and Shagrat, but not one of them was  
respected or feared. Uruk-hai were not supposed to have feelings, yet there  
wasn't any way for Targash to get rid of his.

The next morning, the Orcs split into their respective groups. There was  
enough angst in the air was thick enough to cut with a knife… or maybe it  
was just the stale, creepy forest air. In either case, there was still quite  
a bit of angst- most of it coming from Ugrot and Targash.

Down in the caves, Targash was feeling pretty darn insecure. He couldn't  
seem to figure out why such an emotional, hormonal girl was sent to  
Middle-earth as an Orc. The transformation may have changed his body, but  
not his mind. Targash was beginning to feel incredibly inferior. He made a  
lousy Elf, and an equally lousy Uruk-hai.

Meanwhile, on the forest floor, Ugrot could hardly contain his overwhelming  
sense of misery. The tortured soul felt confused and lost. The Uruks who  
stayed above were running towards the other cave exit, where the Elves were  
supposedly going to be using sometime soon. Ugrot didn't feel like running,  
though, he really would have preferred to sit beside a tree and sort his  
life out.

"Ugrot? Get a grip on yourself," Shagrat commanded.

"I do have a grip."

"No, I don't think you do. It's Targash, isn't it?"

"No… well, yes."

"Do I have to dig, or are you just going to come right out and say what's on  
your mind?"

"Why should I tell you, Shagrat? We're all a bunch of un-feeling Orcs  
here. Why should you care?"

"Well, honestly, I don't. I just figure if you get your thoughts out on the  
table, you'll be able to concentrate when we reach the caves. You're not fit  
to kill Elves at this point- they'll kill you before you realize what the  
heck is going on around you if you don't start paying some attention."

Ugrot sighed. He really didn't fancy the thought of loosing his life to a  
prissy Elf, and he knew Shagrat was probably right. "What Wazkur said last  
night really got me thinkin'. I haven't been myself since Targash came  
around. I don't know what's wrong with that stupid bastard, but he's got  
emotion. And now I have emotion, too. He's different. No one respects him  
because of it, and now no one respects me, either."

Shagrat really hadn't been expecting an outpouring of emotion like that, and  
was rather taken aback my Ugrot's emotional confession. "I think I know why  
Targash is different."

"What?"

"The other night he was talking… he said somethin' about being transported  
here from another world and that he used to be a woman from the race of Men.  
I thought he was kidding, because Targash is kinda like that. Maybe he  
wasn't joking."

"Shagrat, you're not helping. Be serious."

"That's what he said! Ask him yourself!"

"So, if this is really the case, you think it explains why Targash isn't  
always… y'know… right?"

"Yeah."

"Makes sense, I suppose. Doesn't help me at all, though."

"What, I was supposed to help?"

"It'd be nice." Ugrot sighed. "I still don't have any idea what to do."

"Well, you can go back to being your old bastard self, forget about Targash  
and get your respect back, or you can pursue a relationship with Targash and  
be the laughing stock ofMordor."

"Can't I do both?"

"Probably not."

"I guess I already am the laughingstock, so I if I were to pursue some type  
of relationship, it really wouldn't make much difference. But who's to say  
that Targash even wants me? Even I don't respect myself at this point, why  
should he?"

"Oh, gag me with a frickin' stick. You're worried about getting your  
feelings hurt? No wonder you don't get any respect. What kind of Orc are  
you, anyway? I know we're all distantly related to the Elves or some other  
crock, but come on!"


	9. Captured!

Hey all! I don't even remember the last time I bothered to update this, but I missed the world of fanfiction and actually had fun with this little number, so I figured it might be nice to pick up where I left off.

Naturally, I hope this will be well received and that you all will enjoy this. If not, I'm open to constructive criticism. Heck, even flames kind of amuse me from time to time. While I do believe in the power of a good proof read (or several), I'm only human and don't catch everything. I'm currently holding auditions for beta-readers, though.

And you know, Tolkien owns everything. I just like to play.

------8-

"Morning", or whatever time it was when the Uruk-hai arose from their sleep, came rather swiftly that day. A little too swiftly, Targash felt. The movies had made all the battle scenes so effortless, and it was really only then that he realized how terrifying it was to be waiting to launch and attack. He'd always assumed that if he joined the Fellowship and they had to fight, that he could handle it. Physically and emotionally.

Targash felt completely dumb. What was I thinking, wanting to come here to Middle-earth? I just thought it would be so easy, trekking and running for days on end without real food, now starting a freakin' battle? I'm tired. I'm hungry. I don't really want to kill anything!

To make matters worse, Targash was concerned about looking authentic. He'd never fought anything in his life before, and hadn't quite gotten the hang of the Orcish mentality. And being the softy that he was, Targash was beginning to worry about running into Legolas at the showdown. It was the other day, walking around in the dark forest with nothing to do and no one to talk to that he wondered "when" he was. In his mind, he always imagined being transported to Middle-earth just in time for the Council of Elrond, but it wasn't until arriving and jogging with a bunch of Uruk-hai that it dawned on him he could be there at any point in time. Theoretically, it could be thousands of years before the Council took place, or it could be sometime after Aragorn was crowned king. It was possible then that our shining Elvish prince had not yet left Mirkwood for anything, and Targash would be face to face with his greatest fears. After all, Targash was still pretty mixed up over the whole situation. Legolas had been the apple of his eye for so long, and Targash was still struggling to suppress his fangirl emotions. He reckoned that he'd only gotten his new body about a week and a half or a two weeks before this point, and he was still adjusting.

As Targash mentally whined about having to possibly hack Legolas into pieces, he packed up his weapons and lined up with the rest of the Uruk-hai. Lugrat barked some orders, told everyone to not be a bunch of "fuckin' pussies", and commanded his party into the cave.

It was certainly not a normal cave in any sense of the word. It'd clearly fallen into a state of disrepair, but hints of Elvish decor were everywhere. The cave was neatly hewn and carved with various statues and writings. It was also very, very large. Targash was no Tolkien expert, but he suspected that the cave had not completely disappeared from collective memory, and that it was probably more heavily guarded than Lugrat and his scouts assumed it was. Perfect, he mouthed sarcastically.

For about an hour, the Uruks marched through the tunnel. Targash began to wonder what was going on, and how this was supposed to work. They were marching into the heart of an Elvish network of caves. Where could they go? How could they defend themselves? Just them, against the whole Elven kingdom?

On and on they went, and it seemed like a death march. The only thing in question was how long it would be until they ran into some Elves. They had passed several corridors that led to other halls, but not yet any other living being. All too sudden, they saw light coming from an entrance ahead and to their right. Lugrat signaled to halt, but it was too late. Elves have a funny way of knowing when stuff like this is going on, and they were all too prepared. Before Targash had any time to react, arrows started flying. The Uruk to his right collapsed with an arrow in his eye, and Lugrat seemed to have one in each eye. Within the minute, everyone had fallen around him, and he was surrounded by Elves. All had arrows pointed at him, and one Elf was speaking to another in what was presumably Elvish. Quite unlike the fantasies Targash created in his mind before landing himself in Middle-earth, he could not understand a word they said. They seemed shimmery and somewhat pleasant though, so he could only hope things would start going his way.

The speaking got more heated, and other Elves seemed to be chiming in with their opinions. Targash was clueless. Why had they not killed him yet, too? Why were they arguing? It was all the more nerve wracking to him, but all he could do was wait.

As it turns out, the dozen or so Elves in that particular guard unit wanted to capture one Uruk-hai and question him. Uruks had never before wandered into their caves for anything, so they thought it might be useful to gain a bit of insight into the whole situation. The argument had started over where they should keep him, because King Thranduil probably wouldn't want an Uruk-hai marring even their most disgusting cells, and then progressed into an argument over how to physically disarm and capture the Uruk. To be quite frank, none of them had any desire at all to touch Targash. Someone suggested that they just ask him to drop his weapons and walk together, arrows still aimed at Targash, that way nobody would have to touch "him". That idea was shot down rather quickly until they came to the conclusion that no one else had a better idea, and that they could try it, and if it didn't work, they could try something else.

In clear Westron, an a brown-haired Elf said "You will drop your weapons, and we will escort you where we see fit. Our arrows are aimed at your throat, should you try to escape."

The average Uruk-hai would probably roar, raise his machete, and hack off the arm of the nearest Elf, sending the remaining arrows flying towards him at a deafening speed. The average Uruk would have chosen death by Elf over being paraded around Mirkwood by Elves any day. But we must recall that Targash was no average Uruk, and that he was really quite intimidated by Elves and death and decided that he would drop the weapons and move quietly.

Targash was really quite perplexed at all of this. Didn't they want him dead, too?

The party walked silently into the right corridor, and it was probably the first time in a good solid week that Targash had seen real light. He must have been adapting to his new evil lifestyle better than he thought, because the light burned his eyes. Either that, or his eyes were still adjusting to light, and perhaps it had something to do with the fact that glowy Elvish light can be so much more dramatic than regular sources of light.

The carvings in the hall were really quite intricate for being so far away from any dwellings or more often used public spaces. Targash thought it was kind of stupid, but his old fangirl side "oohhed" and "ahhed" excitedly somewhere in his mind. The conflict was really starting to get old, especially when the walk turned into a brisk, two hour long jog. Eventually, they reached another unit of guards, and some of the new Elves sprinted off in the direction of the post where the party had come from. A couple of the Elves also ran ahead of the group to get the warnings out faster. After another hour of jogging around in the endless network of caves, Targash was brought to a room, and the door was locked behind them. A blonde Elf opened up a second door in the room, which led to a row of unoccupied cells. It was dark and dingy, probably far underground. The Elf unlocked the first cell, which had clearly been made ages ago and looked quite impossible to escape from. Targash knew resisting was somewhat on the pointless side, so he strolled in and sat down on the ground, and the door was closed and locked swiftly. The brown-haired Elf spoke softly to the blond Elf, most likely explaining the situation. As they exchanged words, Targash noticed that one of the Elves who argued rather passionately earlier was eyeing him curiously. He looked rather average for an Elf, which is to say that he was tall, handsome, and extremely well built. Glowing, even. He had light brown hair and wore a pair of blue leggings with a silvery green tunic and brown leather boots.

The party of Elves left quietly, and the key-keeper spoke in rusty Westron: "the King has been alerted that you and your friends have been caught trespassing in our lands. We do not normally keep such prisoners but under the circumstances have no choice. You shall be fed and basic needs taken care of while you are here."

"How long will I be here?"

"I cannot answer that."

"Why wasn't I killed?"

"I cannot answer that, either," and with that he walked out of the room and locked the entrance.

Targash let out a heavy sigh and muttered "I was supposed to stay in a pretty room and wear pretty clothes and be treated like a princess! Not get stuck in a dirty dungeon and a dirty freakin' Orc!!"


	10. The Worst Kind of Torture

The scouts who had found the passage had only gone in part way. As demonstrated before, it was not an entirely forgotten entrance, but it was somewhat obscure and difficult to find, and as it was so far away from the main centers of the kingdom, it was rather unnecessary to have any guards-men watching right at the entrance. Which is why the scouts felt it was safe. They figured it could only go on for a short while, they'd launch a surprise attack on the Elves, and the ones who rushed up to fight would be surprised be even more Uruk-hai.

Not only had the not counted on the tunnel being so ridiculously long, and hadn't assumed there would be any guards in the passage at all, but they had not counted on being caught. Never having had dealings with Elves before, most were unaware of how keen their senses of smell or hearing really were. The Elves in the corridor had heard the Elves coming for about thirty minutes before they actually arrived, so they were well prepared. Uruks aren't not exactly quiet when the run, and large tunnels have a tendency to echo. The Elves weren't expecting a second attack, but were again able to hear the Uruk-hai from so far away that they had plenty of warning.

Shagrat and Ugrot were part of this second wave. Their party at least had the good sense to expect an attack. In fact, two or so hours after the first party disappeared into the caves, they Uruk-hai in the second group began to wonder what became of the rest of their group. When it became clear that either their was trouble or the tunnels went on much longer than expected, they figured they should go in after them as back up.

Sure enough, at the same corridor the guard was watching the first time, the Elves launched attack. But there were fewer of them this time, since they had been split apart from their original group, and the Uruk-hai had drawn their own bows once they'd seen the light. Three Elves were killed nearly immediately, and about half a dozen were killed of the Uruk-hai.

The remaining three Elves could not expect to surround the ten or so Uruk-hai, so they shot back and forth at each other until only Ugrot, Shagrat, and one other Uruk remained along with two of the Elves. At this point, more Elves began to arrive, seemingly out of nowhere. Some from behind the Uruk-hai, some from the lighted corridor, and others from in front. Word had gotten out by this point and the back-up was just in time.

It was so highly unusual for so many Uruk-hai to set foot in the Elven kingdom that these three were captured and taken to the dungeons as well. Targash may be been an easy prisoner to deal with, but his friends were not. They have to be wrestled to the ground and tied up with strong Elven ropes, machetes and weaponry had to be pried out of their dirty hands. They then had to be dragged with much force the entire way, which made the journey considerably longer than Targash's had taken. Unfortunately for the Elven guards, these were typical Uruk-hai and refused to go quietly. They would have rather been killed than dragged along by the Elves, but the fact of the matter was that the Elves had absolutely no intention of killing any of them, at least not at the moment. Each of the three Elves was subsequently taken to similar, but completely separate and solitary dungeons.

------8-

Alone in his cell, Ugrot was volatile. He trashed about, roaring and yelling and managing to cause a significant amount of noise. He could be heard well outside the dungeon, though this had more to do with keen Elven senses than shoddy craftsmanship of the dungeon walls. Part of his frustration, it appeared, was due to the fact that he assumed Targash dead.

Shagrat was slightly more dignified, standing up straight whenever anyone entered the hall where his cell was. He didn't make a single sound and ignored the bits of bread that were brought to him.

The third Uruk-hai threatened and verbally abused every guard that came in for one reason or another.

Targash, who had been alone the longest, sat on the ground, agonizing over his confusion about Legolas and Ugrot. He had know idea where Ugrot could be, but assumed the rest of the troop bailed out and went elsewhere. He figured he was probably alone. He also spent a great deal of time pondering about this new Elf that had caught his eye earlier. Just what was that strange look on his face?

King Thranduil had been notified of the goings on and had requested that each Uruk be held and questioned separately. Why were they there? What was the motive? How had they gotten so far? Were there others on the way?

The biggest issue was that Uruk-hai are not typically cooperative and will willingly take any amount of torture over revealing their Dark Lord's plans- if they had been informed of them at all. The tactic might have to be a little bit different. Normally Thranduil would be quiet content to let the contents of his dungeons rot until they came forward with information, but it seemed time was of the essence here and that it would be best to try and find out if more of Mordor's spawn was on the way. He consulted with the guards who had witnessed the attacks, and consulted with the prison guards as to how each captor was responding.

Meanwhile, the Elf that was giving Targash the eye was taking it easy in one of the above-ground courtyards, wondering just what was the problem with the Uruk who stormed Mirkwood but was easily led into his cell. Strange, but somehow very intriguing. He'd spent years in the guard, and nothing like that had ever occurred. Bored with his job and feeling slightly adventurous, he started to concoct a plan.

At the same time, Thranduil decided that the prisoners could wait until morning to be questioned.

----8-

Later that evening, the Mirkwood Elves were talking endlessly about the security breach. Unusual as it was, general consensus was that the Uruk-hai would probably not try that again, and that added guardsmen by the entrances should help prevent any future attacks. Regular nightly singing and feasting went on basically as usual.

Night time is rather the perfect time for people to sneak about in Mirkwood, because it's the time when Elves are jovial and rather silly, if not downright inebriated, and are apt not to notice if someone is missing. Handir decided this would be the perfect time to get on with his plan. He made his way to the dungeon where Targash stayed, crept in through the door with the spare key he'd managed to swipe earlier, and walked into the dungeon. Targash was sitting with his head in his knees, completely oblivious to the fact that he was no longer alone.

"Hello there, servant of the Dark Lord," said Handir.

Targash was so startled he nearly jumped out of his own skin. "Uh, hello."

"I'm just curious about you is all, and I figured I'd stop by for a chat."

"Curious? Don't you mean repulsed?"

"Well, it's a little dank down here, but I can't say I've ever seen an Uruk-hai that acts anything like you do, and I've lived an awfully long time. I can either guess that you are an impostor or that perhaps somewhere down the line Orcish stereotypes became self-fulfilling and that we are missing the whole story."

"Um... well, I've just had a rough day."

"That's exactly it, Uruk-hai are built for hard days. That's never stopped them from fighting off their captors and trying to get free before. I mean, you friends later this afternoon were absolutely appalling compared to you."

"Friends? I was the only one surviving! Oh my god... they must have...Who was it?! I have to know!"

"Aha! See, there is more to you than I expected. Uruk-hai don't usually have friends, from what I understand, and you seem surprised that you were followed. King Thranduil will be most pleased at this information."

"Wait! I have to know what happened! What are their names?"

"We don't keep names. We don't really care what their names are, but they're being held separately. I'll tell you what they look like if you give me what I want," Handir said with the most mischievous of grins.

Targash may not have understood the complex political structure of Middle-earth and all of its inhabitants, but he did understand the exchange of gossip. He was, after all, a female high school student up until quite recently. He would have to be careful about this, but it might be worthwhile to have an ally on his side or some solid truth about what happened to the second half of his troop earlier that day. "What do you want?" he inquired ever so shrewdly.

"I'd like to know why you really don't act anything like an Uruk-hai should. I'll tell you who is still alive."

"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you, so I suppose that just won't work."

"Try me."

"It really just don't trust you, though."

"They'll dig it out of you anyway, you know. They're going to question each of you separately tomorrow. If they don't get the information they want, they'll shoot an arrow through your throat in half a second."

"Hmmm... well, then guess I'll just wait. I think you're just playing me."

"Well, I think you already know I'm telling the truth because while quite surprised, you were obviously in league with whoever was following you today."

"All the same. I want to know why you are so interested in this-"

"Because the safety of my home and people are at risk."

"Bullshit! You're not worried. I want to know why you are here, and I also want to know who all else was captured today and what their names are. I want you to find out. If you do that, I'll tell you what you want to know, but don't go ape on me when you think it's crazy and unbelievable and that I'm probably lying to you, because I already warned you."

"Whoa, there. Alright. I lied earlier. I know their names: Shagrat, Ugrot, and Turg."

Targash let out a very audible sigh of relief at the mention of the names.

"I never did find out what your name is, though," Handir said.

"It's Targash."

"I'm Handir, Targash."

"You still haven't bothered to tell me why you are here."

"Well, again, I must reiterate that I'm completely and utterly bewildered by your mannerisms. Call me crazy but there's a touch of femininity that seems somehow undeniable, even under all the dirt and grime and otherwise Orcish appearance. I can't fathom that you've ever even met woman, so how on earth would you act like one? Plus, it must be acknowledged that we Elves are inquisitive and slightly tricky by nature, and it means that you were quite correct to guess that this is a fun game for me to play."

"I really just don't feel like telling you anything. You wouldn't believe me, and even if you did, you'd probably just go blab to the King and I really just don't need that right now."

"Ah yes, but I held up my end of the bargain."

"Of course you did, you're a prancy little Elf! I'm an Uruk-hai. I'm allowed to be underhanded and fail to live up to expectations. I'm supposed to be an evil jerk off. Did you really expect me to give you what I want after I got what I wanted?"

"Yes. You were relieved when I listed off the names, which means you obviously have a strong sense of caring emotion. Conscience. You also forget that I can choose to keep your dirty secret, whatever it is, but that I could also exaggerate and say that you are all in league together and no more are coming, it's best just to kill you all as quickly as possible to avoid further contamination of our beautiful kingdom. Or, I could just kill you now. Just like that. You make the call."

There was a pause. Targash scrunched his brows together and considered everything for a moment. In the end, he knew he was on the chopping block either way, and at least telling the story might kill some time.

"Fine.I was living peacefully in my own world, no where near Middle-earth, until about two weeks ago, out of nowhere, I was by myself in the wilderness. Before I was here, I was a human... and a woman. Girl, I guess. When I showed up here, I was this! The band of Uruk-hai I've been running with ever since kind of showed up in my path the same day I arrived, and I just went along with because I had no idea what else to do."

"That's absolutely ridiculous," Handir responded after some time, "I mean, it explains a lot about your personality, but it's still completely unbelievable."

"Yeah, well you asked, buddy."

"If you are what you say, I have sympathy. I'd heard of something similar happening before. Legolas said something about a girl coming to Middle-earth as an Elf, but it evidently drove her mad. Maybe he could offer a bit of perspective. Maybe there is a cure."

Legolas is still here?! Oh my god, this is such a freakin' mess! I can't believe this, Targash thought.

"Is something wrong, Targash?"

"Well, um, no."

"Alright then, I'll be seeing you soon. And don't worry about tomorrow. Thranduil has a habit of procrastinating when it comes to bringing up captors for air, so I doubt you'll actually end up being questioned anytime soon."

"Really? Well, that sucks... I guess now all I have to look forward is some cold, dark, lonely days by myself."

"That's what prison is all about. I can assure you that I'll be back shortly, though. Nice meeting you, Targash."

"Nice meeting you too, Handir."

The only thing bad about this entire situation, besides being locked up in a rancid dungeon alone was that everyone on the forefront of Targash's mind was proving to still be alive, close by, or actually halfway decent. At least the alone time would give him the chance to think through and rationalize all of these ridiculous, completely not evil emotions.

"Fuck!" Targash screamed. "I was supposed to come here as an Elf! I was supposed to meet Legolas and lose my virginity to him! I was supposed to be given a beautiful room with a view and gorgeous clothes and make every guy want me! I'm stuck here in this fucking dungeon by myself to rot as a freaking ORC! I AM SO PISSED OFF!"


End file.
